


missed connection

by Darvyn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Background Relationships, Complete, Developing Friendships, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Wordcount: Over 10.000, but i just wanted you to know full disclosure what a dweeb dave is in this fic, dave is a dweeb, i mean they're all dweebs, omegle is weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-16 04:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15429072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darvyn/pseuds/Darvyn
Summary: TT: What I can gather is that in a momentary lapse of sanity you brashly went and decided to make a ‘missed connection’ post on eleven different sites.TT: Apologies, John has sent me another site screenshot. Twelve separate sites, Dave?TT: And really, the PornHub comment section? Was 4Chan not salacious enough for you?





	1. omegle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omegle can be weird, but you can find some pretty interesting people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omegle has the stranger username colored red and you colored blue, hence the appearance. I tried to keep it as relatively true to the site as possible. in fact the first two spambots are honest to god convos i had. i changed the links of course because i ain't about to give folks viruses.

**You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!**  
You  : yo  
Stranger : asl?  
Stranger : I'm 18 female  
Stranger : image?  
You : no thanks  
Stranger : htumt://boomgirl.now/  
**Stranger has disconnected.**

**You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!**  
You  : yo  
Stranger : hi  
You : howre you  
Stranger : come chit chat with me here, I have my piczzz up so u know who ur talking too :)  
Stranger : htumut://N3Ch000.realpersoncheck.xyz  
You : nah  
Stranger : see ya soon love :)  
**Stranger has disconnected.**

**You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!  
** You  : yo  
Stranger : HELLO  
You : howre you  
Stranger : I’M GOOD, YOU?  
You : im fine  
You : are you a real person  
Stranger : YES  
You : fuck yes  
You : i was getting so fucking sick of all those sexbots  
You : i mean i get it  
You : everyone wants a piece of me  
You : but sometimes i just wanna kickback and relax  
You : and not deal with the pressure of everyone wanting to jump on my dick  
You : its like  
You : i know im a hot piece of ass  
You : but it hurts that people just see me as a piece of meat instead of a human with feelings  
You : its hard and no one understands  
You : speechless huh  
You : i get it  
You : you probably want a piece of this too  
You : cant say i hold it against you  
You : wait fuck  
You : youre not like a little kid are you  
You : i mean that would explain why youre typing in all caps  
You : shit  
You : hey  
You : not that you need to tell me your exact age cause we both know that that is the most frequently asked question on this god forsaken website  
You : can you at least confirm that youre older than  
You : hell i dunno  
You : 12 i guess  
You : i dunno if youre like 6 or something i can give you some sage elderly advice  
You : shit i scared you off didnt i  
You : fuck  
Stranger : HOLY SHIT YOU’RE A TOTAL DOUCHE.  
Stranger : I AM ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY BY THE SHEER IDIOCY SPEWING FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. I FEEL FUCKING HONORED TO BEAR WITNESS TO THE WORLD’S LARGEST HOT STEAMY COW EXCREMENT BEING SMEARED ACROSS MY SCREEN.  
Stranger : YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STOPPED THIS STREAM OF UTTER BULLSHIT FOR A SECOND AND I AM FUCKING GUFFAWING AT HOW FAR UP YOUR OWN ASS YOUR HEAD MUST BE. HONEST TO FUCKING GOD, THIS IS TRULY AMAZING.   
Stranger : THANK YOU MR. FUCKASS FOR SHOWING ME THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT SINCERELY THINK THAT THEY ARE THE HOTTEST SHIT ON THIS PLANET SINCE IT WAS LITERALLY A BUBBLING MASS OF MOLTEN ROCK SUSPENDED IN THE VOID OF SPACE.   
Stranger : YOU HAVE MADE MY FUCKING DAY. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOODBYE.  
You : oh snap  
You : wait dont go  
Stranger : WHY THE FUCK NOT  
Stranger : WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I NOT JUST CLICK ON THE DISCONNECT BUTTON AND FORGET THAT THIS CONVERSATION EVER FUCKING HAPPENED. GO THE FUCK ON. EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I SHOULDN’T CLOSE THIS OUT  
Stranger : I’M FUCKING WAITING  
Stranger : FUCKING SPEECHLESS HUH FUCKASS?  
Stranger : THIS WAS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE  
You : yo man no im just blown away that ive been connected to such a great conversationalist  
You : fucking blessed up in here  
You : i think its safe to assume that youre older than 6  
You : or youre just the most fucking brilliant first grader ive ever spoken to  
You : but anyways  
You : dont disconnect yet  
You : lets get to know each other a little better  
You : talk to me all caps man  
You : tell me your woes  
You : and in turn i will spit some fire advice upon you  
You : people all around the land come to me for my fucking stellar advice  
You : and im here offering you a once in a lifetime offer of venting to me for free  
You : talk to me mr mcshouty  
You : im all ears here  
Stranger : WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM  
Stranger : YOU KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY DON’T ANSWER THAT, I’M SURE THE LIST OF YOUR MENTAL DEFICIENCIES IS SO FUCKING LONG THAT IT WILL CRASH THIS SITE. DISCONNECTING ALL THE *ACTUALLY* MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS AND INEVITABLY SAVING SOME NAIVE MOTHERFUCKER FROM CLICKING ON A SPAMBOT’S LINK.  
Stranger : ACTUALLY MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL ME  
Stranger : IT’LL SAVE ME FROM THIS FUCKING GOD AWFUL CONVERSATION AND SAVE HUNDREDS OF SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED HUMANS FROM GIVING THEIR COMPUTERS VIRTUAL STDS  
Stranger : PLEASE I BEG OF YOU  
Stranger : TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU  
You : swoon  
You : i legit think this is the best conversation ive ever fucking had on this site  
You : thank you all caps man  
You : and where to fucking start  
You : im the coolest dude youve never met  
You : its a fucking shame that youll never be able to truly witness how fucking awesome i actually am  
You : but thats the game we play  
You : the game called life  
You : and when im not busy being the absolute coolest person around  
You : im busy being the funniest person around  
You : thats fucking right  
You : OOH MR COOL GUY  
You : YOURE FUNNY AND COOL  
You : FUCKING SWOON  
You : thats me answering on your behalf  
You : youre welcome  
Stranger : FUCK YOU I CAN ANSWER FOR MYSELF DICKWAD  
Stranger : AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION YOU WOULD NEVER MAKE ME SWOON  
Stranger : I DON’T FUCKING SWOON ASSWIPE  
Stranger : AND THE ONLY THING THAT YOU’VE PROVEN TO ME IS THAT MY INITIAL ASSESSMENT WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT  
Stranger : YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE WITH YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ASS  
Stranger : IN FACT YOUR HEAD IS SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ASS THAT YOU’RE LIKE A FUCKING OUROBOROS OF ASS FUCKERY  
Stranger : AND IN CASE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE FUCKING MENTALLY INCAPACITATED. IT’S THE SNAKE THAT’S EATING ITS OWN TAIL  
Stranger : CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS YOU LEARNED SOMETHING NEW TODAY FAKE ASS COOL KID  
Stranger : I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION  
Stranger : GOODBYE AND DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME AGAIN  
You : wait  
Stranger : FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME  
You : i dunno man  
You : i just feel like theres something here  
You : like some kinda destiny bullshit up in here  
You : i was destined to talk to you man  
You : im really fucking enjoying this despite the fact that youve just been cussing me out basically nonstop this entire time  
You : its just so fucking enjoyable and i dont want it to stop  
Stranger : OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU GETTING OFF ON THIS YOU FUCKING WEIRDO  
Stranger : I AM NOT ABOUT TO INDULGE SOME WEIRD VERBAL MASOCHISM BULLSHIT  
Stranger : NO MORE CUSSING YOU OUT  
Stranger : OBSERVE MY EXCELLENT SELF-CONTROL MOTHERFU  
Stranger : *MOTHERFUDGER  
You : hey you didnt threaten to disconnect this time  
You : am i growing on you mcshouty  
You : admit it you cant resist my strider charms  
You : youre in love with my smooth words and even smoother personality  
You : you just cant look away  
You : cant disconnect  
You : even if you wanted to  
Stranger : FUCKING WATCH ME  
**Stranger has disconnected.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this all started off as me trying to get a handle on the pesterchum coding and it erupted into a dialogue and message only fic. this is mostly for myself, so there is no consistent update schedule.
> 
> everyone involved is around university age, so think young adult age range.
> 
> feedback is appreciated but not necessary.


	2. pesterlog: TG,GT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave fails to get advice from john

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 00:02 CDT --

TG: john

TG: john

TG: john

TG: john

TG: egbert

TG: egbert

TG: j

TG: o

TG: h

TG: n

TG: e

TG: g

TG: b

TG: e

TG: r

GT: ooooooooh my god dave, what?

TG: oh hell naw egbert you did not just fucking do the 8 letter bullshit with me

TG: cut that shit out right the fuck now

TG: i have something to tell you once youre done being a little shit

GT: ughhhh fine

GT: happy? i only put 4 h’s

GT: talk to me, bro

GT: tell me all about this something that you couldn’t wait to tell me

GT: spill the metaphorical beans

TG: i think im in love man

GT: what 

TG: yeah bro i just got paired up with the funniest dude ever on omegle and i am so sad that he disconnected

TG: i cannot handle this

TG: ive got the vapors for the man that couldnt be fucked to not use all fucking caps

GT: what the hell, dave?

GT: first, that’s super gay sounding

GT: like holy shit dude

TG: whatever egbert

GT: and second, you can’t fall in love with someone over omegle, numbnuts!

GT: how long did you even talk to this guy?

GT: did you even get his name?

GT: are you really that desperate for a you’ve got mail situation?

TG: hey dont bash youve got mail

TG: its from before our time and therefore its a classic and an elder

TG: and youve gotta fucking respect your elders egderp

TG: we have to learn from the seductive prowess that meg ryan and tom hanks have via online discourse

TG: this shit predicted the future man

TG: online dating aint got nothing on shitty aol email bullshit

GT: what the actual hell are you going on about now?

GT: weren’t you talking to me about some omegle matchup?

GT: if you’re done with that, i’m gonna go then

TG: fuck wait

TG: john no here

turntechGodhead  [TG] sent ghostyTrickster [GT] file "omegle_log_0612.txt"

GT: what am i looking at, dave? 

TG: oh cmon dude just look at this 

GT: ooooooooh my god i am looking at it 

GT: i just don’t know what i’m supposed to be seeing? 

GT: to me it just seems like this guy really doesn’t want anything to do with you 

GT: i think this may be a lost cause my good friend

TG: dont be fucking rude dude 

TG: i am absolutely determined to find this dude now

TG: im making this shit happen

TG: dont you fucking tell me otherwise

TG: thanks for helping me with absolutely fuck all

TG: as per fucking usual

TG: youre probably not even paying full attention are you

TG: probably fucking jacking off to nicolas cages newest clusterfuck of a movie

TG: whatever man

TG: i will find my omegle all caps man whether its the last thing i do

TG: later egbert

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 00:09 CDT --

GT: it’s not a clusterfuck!

GT: dammit dave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if there are any errors.
> 
> as always, feedback is appreciated but not necessary.


	3. pesterlog: CG,TA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat manages to get some help from sollux

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 22:09 PDT --

CG: SOLLUX I NEED TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU  


CG: FOR FUCKS SAKE I KNOW THAT YOU’RE ONLINE RIGHT NOW  


CG: I CAN SEE THAT YOU’RE PLAYING PUBG YOU FUCKING LAME PIECE OF SHIT  


CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN I CALL YOU MY FRIEND WHEN YOU HAVE SUCH FUCKING TERRIBLE TASTE IN VIDEO GAMES  


CG: HAVE YOU EVEN DOWNLOADED DON’T STARVE TOGETHER YET? I FUCKING SENT THAT TO YOU LITERALLY 2 WEEKS AGO.  


CG: DO I HAVE YOUR FUCKING ATTENTION NOW? YOU WEIRD NUMBER FUCKING ASSHOLE  


CG: TWO WEEKS  


CG: IT’S YOUR FAVORITE FUCKING NUMBER  


CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SOLLUX  


CG: I WILL START RANTING ABOUT INANE BULLSHIT UNTIL YOU RESPOND  


CG: SO IF YOU WANT TO SPARE YOURSELF FROM THE HOT WATERFALL OF WORD VOMIT THAT I’M ABOUT TO SLATHER ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING SCREEN SPEAK THE FUCK UP  


CG: YOU’VE FUCKING ASKED FOR IT  


CG: LET’S THINK OF A TOPIC  


CG: HOW ABOUT WHAT A SHITTY FRIEND YOU ARE?  


CG: NO I COULD GO ON ABOUT THAT FOR LITERALLY FUCKING FOREVER  


CG: I NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAS ME HOT AND BOTHERED RIGHT FUCKING NOW  


CG: AND THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS THE FUCKING THING THAT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT  


CG: SO FUCKING DON'T START ANOTHER ROUND AND FUCKING EXIT STEAM ONCE YOU’RE DONE SHOOTING SHIT  


CG: MIGHT AS WELL START GIVING YOU A LITTLE FUCKING CONTEXT  


CG: I FUCKED UP  


CG: YES YES, LETS ALL FUCKING LAUGH AT KARKAT FOR FUCKING UP AGAIN  


CG: I FUCKED UP, BUT NOT IN THE SENSE THAT YOU MAY THINK  


CG: WILL THAT CATCH YOUR FUCKING ATTENTION  


CG: OF FUCKING COURSE NOT  


CG: YOU’RE AN ABSOLUTE WASTE OF TIME I CAN’T BELIEVE I FUCKING THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD HELP  


CG: WHAT IF I WAS FUCKING DYING SOLLUX  


CG: WHAT IF METEORS WERE ABOUT TO FUCKING RAIN DOWN ON MY HUMBLE ABODE AND OBLITERATE MY FUCKING EXISTENCE  


CG: THEN YOU’D FEEL LIKE SHIT WOULDN’T YOU  


CG: WELL GOOD  


CG: FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CANT EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT THE FUCKING BLINKING PESTERCHUM ICON FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND  


CG: AM I GOING TO HAVE TO FUCKING MESSAGE ARADIA?  


CG: OH FUCK ARE YOU GAMING WITH YOUR SHITTY GROUP RIGHT NOW  


CG: THAT WOULD FUCKING EXPLAIN *EVERYTHING*  


CG: YOU’RE THE FUCKING WORST PERSON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD  


CG: OKAY NO  


CG: I MAY BE EXAGGERATING A LITTLE BIT  


CG: I ACTUALLY SPOKE TO THE *ONE* PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD THAT MIGHT BE THE ACTUAL FUCKING WORST  


CG: AFTER ME OF COURSE  


CG: FUCKING HELL SOLLUX DO YOU REALIZE HOW DESPERATE THIS MAKES ME LOOK  


CG: GO CHOKE AND DIE ON YOUR OWN DICK YOU ASSHOLE

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 22:16 PDT --

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:18 PDT --

TA: 2hiit kk

TA: would you ju2t fuckiing reconnect

TA: ii fuckiing know that youre ju2t 2iittiing there

TA: youre te2tiing my liimiited patiience

TA: fuck iit iill dii2connect

TA: good fuckiing luck wiith whatever

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: YOU’RE FUCKING LUCKY THAT I’M KINDA DESPERATE

TA: what the fuck ii2 makiing you 2o de2perate?

CG: IF YOU READ ANYTHING THAT I JUST FUCKING SENT YOU YOU MIGHT GET A FUCKING CLUE

TA: that wall of bull2hiit doe2nt tell me 2hiit kk

TA: ju2t tell me what you need 2o ii can get back to what ii wa2 doiing

CG: YOU’RE MAKING ME REEVALUATE WHO IS TRULY THE WORST FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD

CG: COME ROUND EVERYBODY, WHO THE FUCK WILL GET THE CROWN FOR WORLD’S SHITTIEST PERSON?

CG: WILL IT BE KARKAT, THE WORLD’S LARGEST FUCK UP. WILL IT BE SOLLUX ,THE WORLD’S MOST WORTHLESS BEST FRIEND. OR WILL IT BE OMEGLE COOL KID DOUCHELORD, THE WORLD’S BIGGEST DOUCHE THAT HAS EVER GRACED THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH. OH THE HUMANITY.

TA: who2 the douche?

TA: are you talkiing about ed becau2e ii wholeheartedly agree

TA: he2 2uch a fuckiing douche

CG: NO I AM *NOT* TALKING ABOUT ERIDAN

CG: YES HE CAN BE A DOUCHE, BUT HE PALES IN COMPARISON TO THIS GUY

CG: ARE YOU EVEN READING WHAT I’M TYPING

CG: DID YOUR EYES JUST FUCKING GLAZE OVER THE FACT THAT I WROTE *OMEGLE COOL KID*?

CG: DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ERIDAN TO YOU?

TA: ii mean yeah he would totally be the type two de2perately look for someone two hiit on viia omegle

TA: but he ii2 defiiniitely not a cool kiid nor doe2 he try two be

TA: 2o who the fuck are you actually talkiing about then

CG: DON’T FUCKING LAUGH 

TA: holy fuck kk iim not laughiing 

CG: BUT YOU’RE FUCKING GOING TO WHEN I TELL YOU. SO I AM ASKING YOU PREEMPTIVELY TO NOT FUCKING LAUGH AT ME, GOT IT SHIT LORD? 

TA: ye2 ii fuckiing got iit 

TA: now would you ju2t fuckiing 2piill already 

TA: ii want two get back two what ii wa2 doiing 

CG: DESPITE HOW DICKISH THAT SOUNDS I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY SOLLUX. 

CG: JUST ONE OF THE MANY REASONS THAT I CONSIDER YOU A DEAR FRIEND 

TA: tiick tock kk 

CG: FUCK FINE. 

CG: SO FUCKING IMPATIENT 

CG: ANYWAYS 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent twinArmageddons [TA] file “omegle_log_0413.txt” 

TA: 2o you want me two track thii2 guy down for you 

CG: I DIDN’T SAY THAT 

TA: kk plea2e 

TA: iit2 2o blatantly obviiou2 iim almo2t iin2ulted that you thought that ii wouldnt realiize that2 why you 2peciifiically came two me iin2stead of kanaya 

CG: OKAY YOU FUCKING GOT ME 

CG: GOOD FUCKING JOB ON CRACKING MY INCREDIBLY COMPLEX RUSE 

CG: A ROUND OF FUCKING APPLAUSE FOR SOLLUX, WHO SAW THROUGH MY BULLSHIT FASTER THAN HE JIZZES AT THE THOUGHT OF A FUCKING *NUMBER* 

TA: keep thii2 2hiit up and iim not gonna help you you fuckiing a22hole 

CG: OKAY FUCK 

CG: SORRY 

CG: GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY THERE 

TA: whatev2 iit2 nothiing iim not u2ed two at thii2 poiint 

TA: but anyway2 there ii2nt much ii can do wiith thii2 kk 

TA: ii can fiind the guy2 iip addre22 but that ju2t tell2 me where he ii2 ii2h 

CG: ISH? LIKE STATE-WISE OR COUNTRY-WISE? 

TA: p2h no 

TA: what do you take me for 

TA: ii can narrow iit down two a county or regiion 

CG: IS THIS CREEPY? 

CG: I FEEL LIKE WHAT I’M ASKING FOR IS REALLY KINDA FUCKING CREEPY 

CG: WHAT IF HE WAS JUST FUCKING MESSING WITH ME WHEN HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO KEEP TALKING 

CG: HOLY FUCK HE GOT ME 

CG: I FUCKING FELL FOR HIS BULLSHIT HOOK LINE AND FUCKING SINKER 

CG: HOW FUCKING PATHETIC AM I 

TA: whoa no 

TA: ii aiint gonna go through thii2 bull2hiit wiith you 

TA: plea2e have your crii2ii2 wiith one of our many other friiend2 

TA: look iill 2end you the general locatiion of thii2 douche 

TA: a2 a fiile that youll have two actiively open iin order two 2ee iit 

TA: you can ju2t iignore iit iif you change your miind 

twinArmageddons [TA] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG]  file “kk2_omegle_douche.pdf”

TA: my job here ii2 done 

TA: iim gonna quiietly forget that thii2 ever happened and era2e thii2 embarra22ment of a conver2atiion from my memory 

CG: I’LL DO THE SAME 

CG: THANK YOU 

TA: ii know iim the be2t 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:32 PDT --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow sollux's quirk is a tricky one to get a handle on. i managed to get the flow about halfway through, but please let me know if i missed anything.
> 
> as always, feedback is appreciated but not necessary.


	4. pesterlog: GT,TG,TT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> missed connection posts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you guess the 12 sites?

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 22:25 PDT --

GT: dave what the fuck is this shit?

ghostyTrickster [GT] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “wtf_dave1.jpeg”

GT: what

ghostyTrickster [GT] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “wtf_dave2.jpeg”

GT: the

ghostyTrickster [GT] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “wtf_dave3.jpeg”

GT: fuck

ghostyTrickster [GT] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “wtf_dave4.jpeg”

GT: ????????

GT: are you seriously not there?

GT: i doubt it

GT: daaaaaaaave

GT: you’re the worst

GT: so lame 

GT: i can’t believe you’ve done this 

GT: rose is gonna give you so much shit over this 

GT: so laaaaaaaame 

GT: i’m doing the 8 thing allllllll over the place over here 

GT: screw you man 

GT: the moment you get online i am giving you SOOOOOOOO much shit over this 

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 22:33 PDT --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 01:37 EDT --

TT: Dave, would you kindly explain to me why John is spamming me with screenshots from various sites and blathering on about how pathetic you are? 

TT: What I can gather is that in a momentary lapse of sanity you brashly went and decided to make a ‘missed connection’ post on eleven different sites. 

TT: Apologies, John has sent me another site screenshot. Twelve separate sites, Dave? 

TT: And really, the PornHub comment section? Was 4Chan not salacious enough for you? 

TT: No matter. I want to aid you in the endeavor. It appears that this ‘ALL-CAPS OMEGLE CUSSING MAN’ made quite the impression on you. 

TT: Once you return to Pesterchum, please let me know. I look forward to hearing about what this random Omegle matchup did to catch the eye of my beloved sibling. 

TT: Surely it wasn’t the surly but endearing appearance of a disgruntled man or else your posts wouldn’t be so vague. 

TT: I look forward to hearing from you soon. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 01:43 EDT --

MISSED CONNECTION

okay yall im posting this everywhere i can think of in hopes of crossing paths with my beloved ALL-CAPS OMEGLE CUSSING MAN.

we were paired up on omegle at about 11:53 pm CDT 

for the folks at home that dont know what time zone that is thats central daylight time yo

anyways he types in all caps like a six year old and cusses like a sailor trying way too hard but in an endearing way

doesnt recognize true coolness even if it smacked him in the face but thats okay i forgive you mcshouty

if youre reading this ALL-CAPS OMEGLE CUSSING MAN you have effectively swept me off my dainty ass feet with your smooth words and even smoother insults

i wanna be friends

please hmu if this sounds like you or someone you know

FOUND ON:  
Tumblr, YouTube, LinkedIn, Reddit, Craigslist, 4Chan, PornHub, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Yahoo Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> highlight the last portion to see which sites Dave decided to post his dang missed connection.
> 
> As per usual, feedback is appreciated but not necessary.


	5. pesterlog: CG,GA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> consulting kanaya

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] at 22:33 PDT --

CG: KANAYA

CG: I NEED SOME ADVICE 

CG: IF YOU’RE NOT TOO BUSY SUCKING FACE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW 

GA: Somehow I Dont Think That This Is The Best Approach For Asking Me For Advice

GA: Would You Like To Give It Another Shot 

CG: JESUS FUCK DATING ROSE HAS MADE YOU UNBEARABLY SNARKY 

GA: And Yet Here You Are 

CG: YES BECAUSE I NEED HELP 

CG: CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS YOU HAVE DRAWN THE SHORT STRAW ON AIDING KARKAT WITH HIS MINOR FREAK OUT 

CG: I HOPE YOU’RE READY TO SLOP THROUGH SOME SHIT, BECAUSE BOY DO I HAVE A FUCKING STORY FOR YOU 

GA: In Other Words Youre Asking Me If Im Busy With Anything 

GA: The Answer To Your Unasked Question Would Be An Unsurprising No 

GA: Especially Considering That Rose Is Currently Preoccupied With Attempting To Console Her Brother About Something 

GA: Even Though She Should Be Focusing On Finishing Her Novels Final Draft 

GA: But I Understand The Importance Of Familial Obligations 

GA: It Is Also The Middle Of The Night 

GA: But Please Feel Free To Enlighten Me About Your Issue At Any Time 

GA: I Am Available And Sitting Here With Rapt Attention For Your Rant 

CG: THANK YOU 

CG: BESIDES IT'S NOT LIKE YOU FUCKING SLEEP AT NIGHT ANYWAYS 

CG: LIKE A FUCKING VAMPIRE 

CG: I’LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS BUT LET ME JUST TELL YOU THE FUCKING TL;DR VERSION 

CG: I SPOKE TO A GUY ON OMEGLE AND THEN SPITEFULLY DISCONNECTED WHEN HE PISSED ME OFF 

GA: Which Is Admittedly Not Hard To Do 

CG: I KNOW I’M FUCKING QUICK TO ANGER 

CG: I DON’T NEED YOU REMINDING ME 

GA: Apologies I Assumed That When You Said That You Wanted My Advice That Included My Insightful Comments 

CG: I MEAN YEAH BUT NOT ABOUT SHIT THAT I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW 

GA: Very Well I Shall Refrain From Commenting On Shit That You Already Fucking Know 

CG: THANK FUCK 

CG: ANYWAYS THIS GUY PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF 

CG: WHICH I FUCKING KNOW ISN’T HARD TO DO 

CG: I SPITEFULLY DISCONNECTED AND BROUGHT OUR CONVERSATION TO A SWIFT END 

CG: BUT I KINDA WANTED TO KEEP BULLSHITTING WITH HIM 

GA: Naturally 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] file “omegle_log_0413.txt” 

CG: IN THE EVENT YOU DECIDE THAT YOU’RE UP FOR MORE READING HERE’S THE WHOLE CONVERSATION IN ALL OF ITS BULLSHIT FILLED FUCKERY 

CG: SO ANYWAYS IN A MOMENT OF DESPERATION I MADE SOLLUX TRACK HIS IP ADDRESS 

GA: That... Is Certainly Something 

CG: FUCK I KNOW 

CG: IT’S FUCKING CREEPY AS HELL THAT I DID THIS ISN’T IT 

CG: I TRIED TO GET SOLLUX TO STOP ME BUT HE TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT 

CG: WHICH IS TOTALLY FUCKING UNDERSTANDABLE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET BACK TO HIS SHITTY GAME BUT STILL 

CG: HE SENT ME A FILE WITH THE GUY’S GENERAL LOCATION 

CG: AND NOW IT’S FUCKING SITTING THERE TAUNTING ME LIKE A BOWL OF SNAUSAGES TEMPTS A FUCKING MALNOURISHED DOG 

CG: I’M NOT EVEN ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN THAT THIS FUCKING DOUCHE ACTUALLY WANTED TO KEEP TALKING TO ME OR IF HE WAS JUST FUCKING AROUND 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO KANAYA? 

GA: Well For Starters This Conversation Seems Pretty Genuine From The Looks Of It 

GA: Secondly I Think Youre Giving The IP Address A Little Too Much Credit 

GA: Could You Elaborate What You Mean By General Location 

GA: Because That Is Pretty Broad 

GA: For All We Know It Will Simply State That This Douche Resides In America 

GA: Or It Could Be More State Specific But Even Then That Isnt Going To Really Do Much 

CG: SOLLUX SAID THAT HE CAN NARROW IT DOWN TO A COUNTY OR REGION 

GA: Okay So What Harm Is There Knowing That Your Conversationalist Lives In Vancouver Or London Or San Francisco 

GA: Are You Planning On Going To Whichever Region Or County This Man Lives In To Track Him Down In Person 

GA: And If So I Would Love To Hear Exactly How You Plan On Doing This 

GA: I Am Always Up For A New Insight On What Goes On In That Mind Of Yours 

CG: YOU’RE UP FOR THAT? OR ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHOANALYZING ME ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S BEHALF 

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT 

CG: YOU’RE RIGHT 

CG: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY RIGHT 

CG: THERE ISN’T ANYTHING I CAN FUCKING DO WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE THIS FAKE ASS COOL KID LIVES 

CG: THANKS KANAYA 

CG: ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE ONE OF THE MOST IF NOT *THE* MOST FUCKING COMPETENT OF ALL OF OUR SHITTY FRIENDS 

GA: Not All Of Our Friends Are Shitty 

GA: I Think Thats Just Your Perception 

GA: But I Appreciate The Compliment 

GA: Will You Be Opening The File Now Or Do You Want To Do It On Your Own Time 

GA: Not That You Have To Tell Me But I Would Love To Know Where This Random Omegle Matchup That Caught Your Eye And Left Such A Lasting Impression Lives 

CG: I THINK I’LL DO IT ON MY OWN TIME 

GA: Understandable 

CG: I PLAN ON TELLING YOU WHERE THIS FUCKASS LIVES, DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST 

CG: I JUST WANNA OPEN THE FILE AND I DUNNO, FUCKING DIGEST IT 

GA: That Makes Perfect Sense 

GA: I Am Glad To Have Provided Some Guidance For This Particular Issue 

CG: YEAH 

CG: THANKS AGAIN KANAYA 

CG: YOU’RE THE FUCKING BEST 

GA: Always A Pleasure 

GA: I Look Forward To Hearing From You Again 

CG: BYE AND GOOD NIGHT 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] at 22:48 PDT --

**kk2_omegle_douche.pdf**

congrat2 kk he2 ju2t a couple 2tate2 away from you 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that evening Karkat's screech could be heard round his entire neighborhood  
> -  
> feedback appreciated but not necessary.


	6. pesterlog: CG,many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat, did you know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you guess who was on what site?

\-- adiosToreador [AT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 06:12 CDT --

AT: uHHH,,,, hEY KARKAT,,,,

AT: iS,, tHIS,,,, yOU? 

adiosToreador [AT] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] file “aLL_cAPS_oMEGLE_cUSSING_mAN.png”

AT: i tRIED TO RESPOND, bUT THERE WERE WELL OVER,,, a HUNDRED COMMENTS ALREADY,,, 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum!

AT: uHH,,, oKAY,,, jUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,,, 

AT: bYE,,,, 

\-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 06:17 CDT --

Tavros was on Youtube  


\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]at 04:13 PDT -- 

TA: ehehehehehehe 

twinArmageddons [TA] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] file “kk_holy_2hiit.jpeg”

TA: ii havent re2ponded yet but iill be able two make 2ure that he get2 iit

TA: once youre ready for that of cour2e 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

TA: oh my god ii am giiviing you 2o much 2hiit whenever the fuck you get back onliine 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 04:15 PDT --

Sollux was on Reddit  


\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 07:32 EDT --

AC: :33 < *ac pounces into karkitty’s room and awaits the purrfect moment to strike* 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

AC: :33 < *noticing that there is no response, ac proc33ds pawtiously* 

AC: :33 < karkitty i came across the craziest thing on tumbmurr this meowning! 

AC: :33 < i don’t know if mew’ve already seen it, but i just wanted to make sure that you did! 

arsenicCatnip [AC] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] file “b33p_b33p_meow.png”

AC: :33 < while i was reading this i was pawsitive that it sounded just like you! 

AC: :33 < s33ms like this guy is feline kinda desperate 

AC: :33 < it made me sad! but then i thought ‘what if karkitty is the person this person is looking fur’? 

AC: :33 < so here i am! 

AC: :33 < h33 h33 

AC: :33 < if this isn’t fur you though, you can just furget about it 

AC: :33 < on an unrelated note 

AC: :33 < when do you want to play anofur game together? 

AC: :33 < i look forward to hearing from mew soon! 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 07:38 EDT --

  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:06 EDT --

GA: First And Foremost Good Morning To You 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

GA: I Dont Know If Youre Aware But There Is Someone Seeking A Missed Connection They Made On Omegle Last Night 

GA: I Imagine That I Am Not The First To Point This Out To You 

GA: So I Will Spare You A Massive Wall Of Text 

grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] file “Is_This_Him.jpeg”

GA: The Syntax Of This Post Is Very Similar To That Of The Omegle Log You Sent Me 

GA: But It Is Ultimately Up To You To Decide What Your Next Course Of Action Is 

GA: If You Need To Talk To Someone I Am Here For You 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:11 EDT --

Kanaya was on Pinterest 

\-- gallowsCalibrator  [GC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:04 EDT --

GC: K4RK4T 1 4M 4SH4M3D 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

GC: YOUR 1DL3N3SS C4NNOT BLOCK MY SH4M3! 

GC: 1 C4NT B3L13V3 TH4T YOU CUSS R4NDOM P3OPL3 OUT ON TH3 W3B 

GC: 1 THOUGHT W3 H4D SOM3TH1NG SP3C14L 

GC: YOUR3 BR34K1NG MY H34RT H3R3 

GC: 1M JUST SH1TT1NG W1TH YOU 

GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY THOUGH 

GC: TH3R3S 4 R4NDOM GUY M4K1NG W4V3S 4CROSS TH3 1NT3RN3T LOOK1NG FOR 4 GUY WHO 

GC: 4ND 1M QUOT1NG WORD FOR WORD H3R3 

GC: TYP3S 1N 4LL C4PS L1K3 4 S1X Y34R OLD 4ND CUSS3S L1K3 4 S41LOR TRY1NG TOO H4RD 

GC: H1S WORDS NOT M1N3 

GC: BUT DO3SNT TH4T SOUND L1K3 SOM3ON3 W3 KNOW? 

GC: TH3 JURY 1S COM1NG B4CK W1TH 4 UN4N1MOUS D3C1S1ON 

GC: 1T SOUNDS JUST L1K3 K4RK4T!

GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S T3LL1NG M3 TH4T YOU DONT W4NT TO B3 BOTH3R3D R1GHT NOW 

GC: F1N3 

GC: COM3 T4LK TO M3 WH3N YOUR3 DON3 B31NG 4 DUMB4SS 

\-- gallowsCalibrator  [GC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:09 EDT --

Terezi was on LinkedIn  


\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:25 PDT --

CA: hey kar 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

CA: okay wwhatevver 

CA: i wwas just mindin my owwn business wwhen i came across the most peculiar fuckin thin 

CA: theres some dude thats lookin for someone that sounds a wwhole lot like you 

CA: you already knoww that im not vvery good wwith computers or else i wwouldvve sent you a screencap of the post 

CA: so ill just paste parts of it here 

CA: here wwe go 

CA: okay yall im posting this everywhere i can think of in hopes of crossing paths with my beloved ALL-CAPS OMEGLE CUSSING MAN.

CA: we were paired up on omegle at about 11:53 pm CDT 

CA: for the folks at home that dont know what time zone that is thats central daylight time yo

CA: anyways he types in all caps like a six year old and cusses like a sailor trying way too hard but in an endearing way

CA: i wanna be friends

CA: please hmu if this sounds like you or someone you know

CA: i responded but he hasnt gotten back to me yet 

CA: this is me talkin noww not the dude that wwants to befriend you 

CA: but anywways just wanted to let you knoww 

CA: tryin to be a good friend and evverythin 

CA: okay ill talk to you later kar 

CA: oh yeah wwe need to continue playin our campaign wwhen you havve time 

CA: bye

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:29 PDT --

Eridan was on Facebook  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many different quirks, my head is spinning! (ง •̀ω•́)ง✧ But I did it!
> 
> I legit assigned each of the 'trolls' their own site that they would find Dave's post on, the answers are hidden in the text like last time.
> 
> If there are any mistakes, please let me know. And as always, feedback is appreciated but not necessary.
> 
> Thanks to everyone that has left such kind words!!


	7. pesterlog: TT,TG,GA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave gets assistance from rose

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:06 CDT --

TG: rose HOLY FUCK

TG: i am fucking primed and ready to receive your aid

TG: i dont know what the fuck i was expecting but this barrage of literally thousands of messages in my inbox right now is definitely not it

TG: help

TG: i feel like the prettiest girl at the biggest ball in the world

TG: but instead of dancing with me everyone just wants cuss at me in all caps

TG: again i dont know what i was expecting

TG: especially since its really fucking easy to don the cape of caps lock and start throwing down swears as swiftly as i throw down my sick beats

TG: i mean the shit these people have come up with is almost laughable

TG: this is like some kind of next level irony shit

TG: like in my haste and effort to find and reconnect with my all caps omegle cussing man i may never fucking find him because people on the internet are shit

TG: rose cmon i know that you should be conscious by now

TG: unless you stayed up all night working on your wizard fanfic

TG: you messaged me at like almost 2 am

TG: i guess ill just fucking wait

TG: maybe throw down some ill rhymes

TG: gimme a beat

TG: imma be fucking real

TG: when i started this quest

TG: looking that mystery appeal

TG: wanna find he who cusses the best

TG: but now theres all these hos

TG: jumping up on my dick

TG: scare em off with my sick flows

TG: beat them off with a stick

TG: for fucks sake help me rose

TG: gotta find my mcshouty quick

TT: That was certainly something else, Dave

TG: thank you

TG: also fucking finally

TG: i was gonna start working on my newest album

TG: its gonna be about just wanting to talk to a dude but in order to talk to that dude you have to slog through miles and miles of utter curse filled bullshit

TG: its like a perfect slurry of bullshit and swear words

TG: and we just have to find the one golden swear hidden amongst all the shit

TT: I’m not sure what I’m supposed to interpret this fascination with bowel movements as

TT: Perhaps an intense need to relate to your oh so eloquent Omegle stranger?

TT: By the way, remind me to thank John for sending me a copy of that file of your Omegle conversation

TT: Very insightful

TG: oh for fucks sake

TG: specifically BECAUSE you were going to psychoanalyze the shit out of it is exactly why i didnt

TG: god fucking damn it john

TG: remind ME to give him a fucking earful when were done

TT: Gladly

TG: so other than figuring out some more suppressed emotional dave bullshit in relation to freud or whoever the fuck

TG: are you gonna help me?

TG: ill give you a free pass to psychoanalyze me once a week for the next month if you do

TG: and by pass i mean that you can ask me about whatever the fuck it is that you wanna ask me about and ill answer

TG: if you help me you essentially get to make all your psychiatrist dreams come true

TT: Is this a promise, Dave?

TG: yes

TG: absolutely yes

TG: please help me

TT: Just reiterate your end of the deal in a concise manner for posterity’s sake, please

TG: fine

TG: i dave strider give rose lalonde a free pass to psychoanalyze the shit outta me once a week for the next month

TG: which should give you 4 opportunities to ask me about fucking everything

TG: good enough?

TT: Absolutely perfect, brother dearest

TG: now are you finally gonna fucking help me

TG: god youre such a fucking weirdo sometimes

TG: okay so im gonna send you the login info for the email i used for all these posts

TG: then we can both go through and weed out which messages sound legit

TG: fuck i dunno

TG: if you come up with anything better i would fucking behoove you to speak now

TT: As a matter of fact, I do.

TT: Please give me a moment whilst I go grab my better idea.

TG: are you seriously gonna fucking enlist your girlfriend in this

TG: i mean i appreciate the thought but

TG: thats kinda really fucking awkward

TG: rose

TG: fuck it

TG: i have 8124 fucking emails that well need to wade through

TG: not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth

TG: i welcome your prim and proper girlfriends aid

TG: just give her ample warning that the shit that were gonna be going through is gonna be vulgar as hell

TG: should i stop cussing

TG: for fucks sake how long does it take to grab kanaya from the next room over

TT: I am adding her to the conversation now

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] has been added by tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GA: Hello Dave

TG: do you want to play a game?

GA: What

TG: sorry its just reflex to make a shitty movie reference

TG: you can thank egbert for that

TG: howre you

TG: keeping my sister happy i hope

TG: blah blah obligatory you hurt my sister and you die shtick

TG: its been a while howre you

GA: It Has Indeed Been A While Since Weve Last Spoken

GA: Rose Has Informed Me That You Are The Elusive Author Of Those Numerous Missed Connection Posts

TT: To be fair, I never once referred to you as ‘elusive’

TT: Idiotic, perhaps

TG: yo thats fucking uncalled for

TG: i may sometimes be an idiot

TG: but that is one hundred percent genuine strider patented idiocy

TT: I am so proud of you for finally accepting that facet of your personality.

TT: I am especially looking forward to making you accept even more of yourself during our free pass sessions this upcoming month

TG: whoa hold your fuckin horses

TG: you havent helped me with fuck all yet

TG: youve just fucking added kanaya to the fray

TG: you cant cash your free passes in quite fucking yet

TG: sorry for all the swearing btw

GA: It Is Quite Alright

GA: Honestly It Is Nothing That I Am Not Already Used To

TG: i gotcha

TG: lemme guess you have a friend that swears a fuck ton?

GA: As A Matter Of Fact I Do

TT: I am going to go pull my hair out

TT: *bread out of the oven

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 12:13 CDT --

TG: whats her fucking problem

GA: I Imagine She Will Be Back Soon

TG: you imagine?

TG: isnt she like right fucking there in person

GA: Yes But She Has Left The Room For The Moment

TG: got it

GA: Dave Would You Mind Sharing With Me The File Of Your Omegle Chat

TG: oh yeah no problem

TG: gimme a sec

turntechGodhead  [TG] sent grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] file “omegle_log_0612.txt”

TG: so were looking for the dude that was the stranger in this conversation

TG: isnt he so fucking funny?

TG: i was so sad when he disconnected but im holding out hope that my all caps omegle cussing man is out there somewhere

TG: and i am really fucking hoping that he has some friends that could send him my way or some shit

TG: i just never fucking imagined that it would erupt like this

TG: like fucking mount vesuvius 79 ad up in here

TG: but anyways

TG: i guess youre still reading

TG: ill start sending you the email info

GA: That Will Not Be Necessary

TG: aw shit

TG: are you bailing on me kanaya

TG: i mean its cool if you bail but could you kindly tell my sister to fucking finish up baking and get back to helping me the fuck out

TG: or im reneging her psychoanalysis passes

GA: You Misunderstand

GA: I Know Who Your All Caps Omegle Cussing Man Is

TG: what

TG: WHAT!?

TG: you BETTER not be bullshitting me kanaya

GA: Have I Given You The Impression That I Would Bullshit With You

GA: Frankly We Are Not At That Level Of Friendship Quite Yet

TG: fuck youre right

TG: HOLY FUCK

GA: Are You Okay

TG: god DAMN it

TG: THIS is why rose made me promise my soul away for the next month

TG: she fucking knew all along!

GA: For The Duration Of This Conversation Yes

GA: But When She Initially Messaged You In An Effort To Provide Aid She Did Not Know

TG: ROSE IF YOURE READING THIS YOURE THE FUCKING WORST

GA: She Says That She Found Your Beloved All Caps Omegle Cussing Man And You Should Be Grateful That She Didnt Ask For More

GA: Anyways Would You Like The Pesterchum Handle Of Your No Longer Elusive Omegle Missed Connection

TG: i mean yeah

TG: but wouldnt that be really fucking weird if i messaged him out of the blue

TG: like

TG: hello we spoke on omegle and it turns out that my sisters girlfriend is friends with you so i didnt actually have to post that shit on twelve different sites

TG: i swear im not stalking you

GA: I Supposed If You Put It That Way It Does Sound A Bit Odd

GA: Dave, this is Rose

GA: That is perfectly fine as long as you omit the stalking part

GA: That would be unsavory to anyone

GA: And I don’t think Karkat will think that you were stalking him

GA: This is all very serendipitous and I think you need to take advantage of that

GA: To Be Fair Perhaps We Should Inform Karkat Of Your Chumhandle As Well

TG: karkat?

TG: car cat

TG: automobile feline

TG: nice

TG: oh yeah go ahead

TG: please tell him my chumhandle

TG: and the moment you do please let me know so i can message his ass first

TG: thank you for this

TG: oh god i guess i should take down those posts now

GA: Rose Says That Would Probably Be For The Best But Futile Since They Will Likely Live On Through Reposts And Screenshots

TG: fuck youre right

TG: ill figure something out

TG: …

TG: chumhandle?

GA: Of Course

GA: His Chumhandle Is As Follows

GA: carcinoGeneticist

TG: thanks a lot

TG: again

TG: seriously i really fucking appreciate it

TG: i was starting to think that i would never find him

TG: but holy fuck what are the chances

TG: thanks kanaya

TG: and thank you rose even though you fucking tricked me

TG: yall are the best

GA: It Was A Pleasure Dave

GA: I Hope To Hear From You Again Soon

GA: Rose Seconds That Sentiment

GA: I Shall Speak With Karkat When He Comes Online

GA: Goodbye For Now

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 12:37 CDT --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~i think i'll have either 2 or 3 [at most] more chapters after this. and maybe an epilogue.~~
> 
> this was a quick but fun ride, and i appreciate everyone who has commented and read this so far. i've got the pesterchum coding on lock now, so if yall need some help hmu
> 
> lol anyways
> 
> feedback as always is appreciated but not necessary


	8. groupchat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat finds out what happened while he was sleeping

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] started a group chat at 11:11 PDT --

carcinoGeneticist  [CG] invited apocalypseArisen  [AA] , adiosToreador  [AT] , twinArmageddons  [TA] , arsenicCatnip  [AC] , grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] , gallowsCalibrator [GC] , arachnidsGrip  [AG] , terminallyCapricious  [TC] , centaursTesticle  [CT] , caligulasAquarium  [CA] , cuttlefishCuller  [CC] to the group! 

CG: OKAY FUCKING LISTEN UP EVERYONE

CG: WAIT UNTIL I’M DONE SAYING MY PIECE BEFORE YOU START RESPONDING TO THIS GROUP CHAT

CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF ANY ONE OF YOU RESPONDS I WILL KICK YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS GROUP MESSAGE SO FUCKING FAST THAT YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN

CG: GO ON FUCKING TEST ME

AT: bUT KARKAT,,, iF WE TEST YOU THEN,,, yOU’D BLOCK US WOULDN’T YOU,,,

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] kicked adiosToreador  [AT] out of the chat! --

CG: YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIGHT

CG: THANK YOU TAVROS FOR BEING THE PERFECT EXAMPLE

TC: bRo DoN’t Be So MoThErFuCkInG mEaN tO tAvBrO.

TC: hE wAs JuSt MoThErFuCkInG sAyInG hIs PiEcE.

TC: bY tHe WaY hOw’Ve YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeEn?

TC: iT fEeLs LiKe We DoN’t MoThErFuCkInG tAlK aS mUcH aS wE uSeD tO bRo.

CG: IT’S HARD TO TALK WHEN YOU’RE ALMOST NEVER FUCKING ONLINE

CG: I MEAN THE FACT THAT YOU’RE RESPONDING TO THIS GROUP TEXT IS A FUCKING MIRACLE IN ITSELF

CG: ISN’T THAT THE SHIT YOU LIKE

CG: FUCKING MIRACLES

TC: oH hElL yEaH bRoThEr. MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS aLl Up In HeRe.

CG: I WOULD LOVE TO KEEP TALKING BUT I DO HAVE A FUCKING REASON FOR THIS

CG: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TALK TO ME SOME MORE WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE

TC: oF cOuRsE i WiLl FrIeNd

TC: oH yEaH dId YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg KnOw ThAt ThErE iS sOmE dUdE lOoKiNg FoR sOmEoNe ThAt SoUnDs A wHoLe MoThErFuCkInG lOt LiKe YoU?

CG: YES

CG: THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS GROUP CHAT

TC: oOoOh

TC: mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs BrO

CG: NOT REALLY

CG: LITERALLY EVERYONE HAS SPOTTED THIS DOUCHE CANOE ON THE INTERNET SOMEWHERE

CG: FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD IS THAT HE HAS POSTED ON 11 DIFFERENT FUCKING SITES

CG: AND ALL OF YOU HAVE MANAGED TO COME ACROSS ALL OF THEM

CG: SOME MIRACULOUS BULLSHIT UP IN HERE

CG: BUT I’M NOT ABOUT TO SCRUTINIZE IT TOO FUCKING CLOSELY

TC: sO aRe YoU tHe AlL cApS oMeGlE cUsSiNg MaN?

CG: YES

AG: Ooooooooh my god I am literally almost 3,000 miles away from this 8ullshit

AG: Why the fuck am I having to deal with this right now????????

AG: Just 8lock me already, kick me out of the chat.

AG: I have more pressing things to deal with.

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY IT

AG: I have all these irons in the fire. 

AG: 8ite me, Karkat, I didn’t want to 8e part of this stuuuuuuuupid conversation anyways.

GC: W41T 4R3 W3 4LLOW3D TO R3SPOND NOW?

CG: FOR FUCKS SAKE NO

AG: Oh heeeeeeeey Terezi.

CG: OH MY GOD ARE YOU ALL FUCKING IDIOTS!?

GC: VR1SK4, 1 4LMOST D1DN’T S33 YOU TH3R3 THROUGH K4RK4T’S B4BBL1NG

GC: 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 COUPL3 QU3ST1ONS 1N R3G4RDS TO YOUR CURR3NT L1V1NG 4RR4NG3M3NT  


AG: Sounds gr8!

AG: Okay let’s 8low this joint

AG: Oh and Karkat?

CG: FUCKING WHAT

AG: Woooooooow rude much?

AG: Anyways if you were curious, I saw the post on Craigslist.

AG: Veeeeeeeery classy.

\-- arachnidsGrip  [AG] left the chat! --

CG: GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE

GC: Y34H OK4Y 1 4LR34DY M3SS4G3D YOU 4BOUT TH1S Y3ST3RD4Y

GC: L4T3R K4RKL3S

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] left the chat! --

CG: OKAY NO MAJOR LOSS THERE

CG: AS THEY MENTIONED THERE IS AN ASSHOLE SEEKING SOMEONE THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME 

CG: AND SURPRISE SURPRISE IT FUCKING IS

CG: I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE THAT HAS BEEN LISTENING AND NOT RESPONDING

CG: I ALSO WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FUCK ASS

CG: THE FLOOR IS NOW OPEN FOR DISCUSSION ON HOW TO GET THIS FUCKING IDIOT’S ATTENTION

AC: :33 < *ac pounces to the front of the line, awaiting her chance to speak patiently* 

CG: YOU MAY SPEAK, I JUST FUCKING SAID THAT

AC: :33 < just wanted to be pawsitive!

AC: :33 < karkitty you keep refuring to this person so rudely!

AC: :33 < do you really want to befurend him?

CG: I DIDN’T SAY BEFRIEND I SAID THAT I WANT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM

CT: D --> If I could possibly interject, why would you want to reunite with someone so vulgar

CT: D --> It is abso100tley ridiculous, neigh f001ish

CT: D --> In my humblest of opinions

CG: BECAUSE I WANT TO HIT HIM WITH SOME CHOICE WORDS

CT: D --> You want to hit him, are you STRONG enough to complete such a task

CG: JESUS FUCK NOT LITERALLY HIT HIM

CT: D --> Apologies for my misunderstanding

AC: :33 < *ac nuzzles up to ct*

AC: :33 < oh equius you’re so pawsitively ridiculous sometimes!

AC: :33 < we should go feed the horses right about meow!

AC: :33 < it was nice talking to you karkitty!

AC: :33 < i really hope you’re able to get in touch with the guy that’s looking fur you!

CG: UH THANKS

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC] left the chat! --

CT: D --> Nepeta is abso100tely correct, the horses need our attention posthaste

CT: D --> I hope the person seeking you finds the answers he is 100king for, instead of consulting Yahoo Answers in the future

\-- centaursTesticle  [CT] left the chat! --

CG: WELL THIS IS GOING A WHOLE LOT SMOOTHER THAN I ANTICIPATED

CG: THAT LEAVES HOW MANY

CG: FIVE?

CG: ANYONE ELSE HAVE SOMETHING INSIGHTFUL TO SAY OR SHOULD I WRAP THIS UP AND CALL IT A FUCKING DAY

AA: ill just jump right in here and say my piece really quick!

AA: its a bit late here and i need to get to sleep soon because we have an expedition to another site bright and early tomorrow morning

AA: karkat i saw the missed connection post on twitter earlier today and it made me laugh out loud :)

AA: sollux if youre reading this i hope youre well and that you arent too butthurt about me wiping the floor with your ass!

AA: okay good night!

\-- apocalypseArisen  [AA] left the chat! --

CA: wwell i guess i can finally speak up

TA: holy 2hiit kk fiinally you made iit back two the land of the liiviing

TA: ii can make 2ure that your me22age make2 iit through and actually get2 two the guy

TA: ii mean you probably already know thii2 becau2e ii already 2aiid thii2 earliier

TA: but iit doe2nt hurt two 

TA: double check 

TA: 

CA: wwhat the fuck that wwasnt evven a pun

TA: go choke on a diick ed

TA: iit wa2 iin relatiion two my love of biinary thiing2

CA: wwhatevver it wwas fuckin lame

CA: anywways fef is probably still asleep

CA: but she sent me the post through instagram

CA: some im guessin thats wwhere she found it

TA: oh my god no one giive2 a fuck

TA: diid you fiind your2 on pornhub by any chance?

CA: no did you?

CG: IS THERE ONE ON PORNHUB ACTUALLY?

TA: fuck iif ii know

TA: iif there ii2 iim certaiin that ed wouldve been the one two fiind iit

CA: oh fuck you sol

CA: i wwas on facebook wwhen i saww the post

TA: that2 almo2t a2 2ad

CA: wwhatevver im done here

CA: i delivvered my message and so did evveryone else apparently

CA: i hope you find the guy kar

\-- caligulasAquarium  [CA] left the chat! --

TA: what a douche

CG: OKAY HE DIDN’T REALLY DO ANYTHING DOUCHEY RIGHT NOW THOUGH

CG: JESUS FUCK I AM JUST ASTONISHED THAT HE MANAGED TO REACH FUCKING EVERYONE *BUT* ME

CG: ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS

TA: you diid kiinda go radiio 2iilent for liike 12 hour2

CG: IT’S CALLED SLEEPING

CG: YOU SHOULD FUCKING TRY IT SOME TIME

TA: 2leep ii2 for the weak and tho2e that dont have iimportant 2hiit two do

CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER

CG: ANYWAYS MISTER LEMME MESSAGE KARKAT AT FUCKING 4 AM

CG: ALSO WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU ON REDDIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT I WILL NEVER KNOW

CG: YOU GONNA HELP ME CONTACT THE GUY?

CG: PLEASE

TA: of cour2e iive been waiitiing 2iince 4 am two help you out wiith thii2 crazy 2hiit

GA: I Am Going To Have To Step In Here

GA: That Will Not Be Necessary

TA: oh 2hiit ii2 kn comiing iin two 2ave the fuckiing day?

GA: Not Necessarily

GA: But I Can Take It From Here

TA: okay iif you guy2 change your miind you know who two call

CG: JUST GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. YOU’VE BEEN UP LITERALLY SINCE 6 PM YESTERDAY

TA: not gonna 2leep fuck you

CG: YOU’RE THE FUCKING WORST

CG: GET SOME REST YOU ASSHOLE

TA: whatev2

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] left the chat! --

GA: I Think I Will Switch To The Personal Messaging

GA: If That Is Okay With You

CG: YEAH THAT’S FINE

CG: OKAY SHOW’S OVER EVERYONE

CG: THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, YOU’RE FUCKING BEST ALL OF YOU ARE

CG: WELL MOST OF YOU

CG: OKAY

CG: BYE

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG] ended the group chat at 11:38 PDT --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my beans another one with a buncha different quirks (¯﹃¯*)
> 
> we're approaching the end here, as I stated in the previous chapter. ~~Maybe another 2 chapters after this, and an epilogue.~~ if there are any glaring or minor errors, please let me know. i try to go and fix them as i spot them during my rereads but some still manage to evade me （◞‸◟）
> 
> thanks for reading!


	9. pesterlog: finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a missed connection reuinited

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 13:04 CDT --

TG: hey egderp

TG: heard you were talking shit

TG: and by shit i mean sharing info that i gave you in confidence with a certain prying sibling

TG: i cant believe you broke my trust like this john

TG: im heart broken

TG: now im gonna have to pick up all the pieces in an adventure of self discovery only to figure out that i never actually needed a man to make me a whole woman

TG: thank you for being that final push i needed

TG: would you fucking respond so i can keep roasting your ass

TG: werent you gonna give me shit the moment i came online

TG: probably busy skyping your fake online girlfriend

TG: i guess i can bring you up to speed on the posts that you cowardly poked fun at while i was unable to respond

TG: very brave my dude

TG: anyways

TG: i guess i should technically thank you

TG: because rose actually figured out who the all caps omegle cussing man is because of your blatant disregard for my privacy

TG: im mostly joking about that by the way

TG: im just pretending to be butthurt for ironic purposes

TG: but anyways

TG: yeah rose saved the fucking day by swooping in with her girlfriend and rocking my world with the knowledge that she knew exactly who my conversationalist was

TG: kanaya will talk to him once hes online and let him know that i now know his pesterchum handle

TG: and shell also give him my chumhandle 

TG: ive just been sitting here in heavy anticipation for the moment she gives me the go ahead so i can message him first

TG: its gonna be so funny

TG: im gonna say the same exact shit i did in our omegle chat

TG: no matter what he says

TG: ffs john where the hell are you

GT: hehehehehehehehe

GT: you’re welcome

TG: did you seriously finally fucking respond just to say that?

GT: and if i did?

TG: whatever

TG: whatcha up to right now

TG: ive got time to kill while i wait for kanaya to get back to me about karkat

GT: whoa wait 

GT: your missed connection is karkat?

TG: oh hell no

TG: dont you fucking tell me that you know him too

TG: next thing i know jade is gonna find some wifi in whatever godforsaken jungle shes in right now to send me a message that shes childhood friends with him

TG: am i the only one that doesnt actively know this guy?

GT: well i mean i don’t actually know him, but i know of him

GT: he’s friends with vriska

GT: i think?

GT: she mostly just complains about how annoying his group messages are

GT: because he adds EVERYONE and just goes on and oooooooon about random bullshit

GT: usually the most recent romcom he’s watched

TG: oh my god i am so excited to talk to him

TG: anyone that can irritate vriska gets a gold star in my book

GT: hey don’t be rude :(

TG: okay sorry she just gives me the heebie jeebies man

GT: i know

TG: anyways you never answered me

TG: whatcha up to

GT: oh you know just messing around

GT: just finished chatting with vriska

GT: she just got added to another one of karkat’s infamous group chats

GT: which is why i’m talking to you now

TG: oh i see im just a rebound conversation for you egbert

TG: you know how fragile my heart is and you keep just fucking stomping on it like an elephant stomps on an unexpecting pumpkin

GT: what pumpkin?

GT: and your heart is hardly fragile

GT: suck it up doofus

TG: there is nothing to suck up because that was ironic

TG: cmon john i thought you were better than that

TG: youre probably only paying half attention again arent you

GT: yup!

GT: rewatching con air, god i love this movie!

TG: i miss the phase you went through when you hated it for a while

TG: weve got to go back

GT: hehehehehehehehe

TG: you said that these group chats that karkat makes he invites everyone

TG: do you think that includes kanaya?

TG: john?

GT: oh yeah definitely

TG: sweet

TG: okay egderp im gonna let you finish rewatching your shitty movie for the millionth fucking time

TG: keep it real

GT: bye!

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 13:27 CDT --

  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:40 EDT --

GA: Now We Can Talk Properly

CG: IF THIS IS TO DISSUADE ME FROM PURSUING TALKING TO THIS GUY I THINK YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO FUCKING LATE

CG: I WILL GLADLY LISTEN TO YOUR INPUT THOUGH

CG: BECAUSE I FUCKING VALUE IT

GA: On The Contrary I Am Here To Tell You That You Should Definitely Attempt Communications With Your Missed Connection

CG: OH

CG: WELL FUCK, THANK YOU FOR YOUR BLESSING I GUESS

CG: AND YOU COULDN’T SAY THIS IN THE GROUP CHAT BECAUSE?

GA: I Know The Author Behind The Posts

GA: I Also Have His Chumhandle If You Are Interested

CG: OH

CG: WAIT

CG: WHAT

CG: FUCKING *WHAT*?

CG: YES

CG: YES YES YES

CG: *ABSOLUTELY* YES

CG: BUT BACK THE FUCK UP FOR *ONE* FUCKING MOMENT

CG: HOW THE FUCK DO *YOU* KNOW WHO HE IS

CG: DOES ROSE HAVE SOME FREAKY CONNECTIONS TO AN OMNISCIENT BEING OR SOME SHIT?

CG: BECAUSE I AM HONESTLY FUCKING FLABBERGASTED RIGHT NOW

CG: THIS ISN’T A JOKE IS IT?

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING BULLSHITTING ME

CG: IF IT IS THEN APPLAUSE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GOT ME

CG: BUT IF IT ISN’T

CG: THEN HOLY FUCK  


CG: THANK YOU?

CG: WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT HE MADE SO MANY FUCKING POSTS I WAS A LITTLE DISCOURAGED AT FIRST

CG: BECAUSE HOLY FUCK A SHIT TON OF PEOPLE ALREADY RESPONDED TO HIM

CG: AND WHAT IF THIS WAS JUST A GRAB AT DOING SOME SHITTY BUT HILARIOUS INTERNET STUNT

CG: WAIT WAIT

CG: DOES HE ACTUALLY WANT TO KEEP TALKING OR DO YOU JUST HAPPEN TO FUCKING KNOW HIM THROUGH SOME SERENDIPITOUS KIND OF BULLSHIT

CG: FUCK

GA: I Think I Understand Roses Reaction Significantly Better Now

GA: Firstly I Did Technically Determine The Authors True Identity Because Of Rose

GA: So You Are Not Too Far Off On That Part

GA: Though There Is No Omniscient Being Nor Would I Call Her Familial Connection A Freaky Connection

CG: HE’S RELATED TO ROSE!?

CG: OF FUCKING COURSE HE IS

CG: BUT HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE THE FUCKING CHANCES

CG: SORRY

CG: PLEASE CONTINUE

GA: Of Course

GA: Also He Responded To This Revelation In A Manner Similar To Yours

GA: Particularly The Part Where You Both Assumed That I Was Joking

GA: You Both Were Quick To Assume That I Was Bullshitting You

GA: It Really Hurts My Feelings That You Think That I Would Joke About Something Like This

CG: OH FUCK

CG: I’M REALLY SORRY KANAYA

CG: IT JUST SEEMS WAY TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

CG: LIKE THIS IS THROWING THE KARMIC SCALE WAY FUCKING OFF BALANCE

CG: I’M REALLY REALLY SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU

GA: That Was Actually A Joke

GA: Gotcha

CG: OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

CG: YOU FUCKING HAD ME GOING THERE FOR A MINUTE

CG: I WAS ABOUT READY TO PROSTRATE MYSELF AND FUCKING BEG FOR FORGIVENESS

CG: THE PART ABOUT KNOWING THE MISSED CONNECTION ISN’T BULLSHIT THOUGH

CG: IS IT?

GA: That Part Of The Conversation Is One Hundred Percent Genuine

GA: Would You Like His Chumhandle Now

CG: YES PLEASE

CG: OH MAN I’M GONNA SCHOOL HIS FAKE ASS

CG: WAIT WHAT’S HIS NAME

CG: I CAN’T JUST KEEP FUCKING CALLING HIM MY MISSED CONNECTION OR FUCKING DOUCHELORD

CG: ACTUALLY MAYBE I CAN KEEP CALLING HIM A DOUCHE

GA: You Can Call Him Whatever You Like But His Name Is Dave

CG: DAVE THE DOUCHE

CG: IT WORKS TOO FUCKING WELL

CG: …

CG: CHUMHANDLE?

GA: I Am Laughing Out Loud

CG: WHAT WHY?

GA: Nevermind Do Not Worry Karkat

GA: This Is His Chumhandle

GA: One Moment Please

GA: turntechGodhead

  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 14:52 EDT --

GA: Dave I Gave Karkat Your Chumhandle

TG: fuck yes

TG: thanks again kanaya

GA: No Problem

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 14:54 EDT --

  


CG: FUCK YES

CG: THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU’RE THE ABSOLUTE BEST

CG: AND I GUESS THANKS TO ROSE TOO

GA: She Says Youre Very Welcome And That The Pleasure Is All Hers

GA: I Also Say Youre Welcome

CG: OKAY I’M GONNA DO THIS

CG: I’M GONNA GO FUCKING TALK TO THIS RIDICULOUS DOUCHE LORD DAVE

GA: Have Fun I Suppose

GA: Goodbye For Now 

GA: I Look Forward To Hearing All About It Later

CG: YES YOU WILL HEAR EVERYTHING

CG: BYE

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:02 EDT --

  


\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] would like to chat with you! --

Do you accept? [Y/N] 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:04 CDT --

TG: yo

CG: OH HELL NO YOU ARE *NOT* STARTING OUR HIGHLY ANTICIPATED REUNION CONVERSATION WITH A FUCKING ‘YO’

TG: howre you

CG: WHAT THE SHIT DAVE DOUCHE

TG: im fine

TG: are you a real person

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING QUOTING VERBATIM THE SHIT YOU SAID IN THE OMEGLE CHAT

CG: AND TO THINK THAT I WAS FUCKING LOOKING FORWARD TO TALKING TO YOU AGAIN

CG: ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU’RE NOT THE FUCKING SEXBOT

CG: BECAUSE THEY JUST FOLLOW THE SAME FUCKING SCRIPT WORD FOR FUCKING WORD

CG: WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME

CG: IF THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY THEN GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE

TG: oh fuck yeah youre the true mcshouty

TG: i am so fucking happy

TG: just wanted to make sure

TG: you wouldnt fucking believe the amount of fake all caps omegle cussing man responses i have seen

CG: WELL THAT’S WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS WHEN YOU POST A FUCKING MISSED CONNECTION ON ELEVEN DIFFERENT SITES

CG: FUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS

TG: its actually 12 but whos counting

CG: CERTAINLY NOT ME

CG: DID YOU REALLY POST ONE ON FUCKING PORNHUB?

TG: haha yeah

TG: is that the one that sent you my way?

CG: HELL FUCKING NO

CG: IT APPEARS THAT WE HAVE A MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE

CG: WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT

TG: i know its like i fuckin said

TG: like some kinda fate bullshit going on

CG: YOU ACTUALLY SAID DESTINY BUT WHO’S KEEPING TRACK

TG: definitely not me mcshouty

TG: i guess i can call you by your name now

TG: wassup karkat

TG: the name is dave

CG: I AM FUCKING AWARE

CG: DID YOU COMPLETELY MISS ME CALLING YOU DAVE DOUCHE

TG: no but i just wanted to properly introduce myself before you decide to block me or some shit

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING TEMPT ME

TG: im not trying to man

TG: im just going with the flow and seeing where this goes from here

TG: its been a pretty crazy past what

TG: 15 hours or some shit

TG: i legit didnt think that you would be found so fucking quick

CG: I DIDN’T THINK THAT IT WOULD BE SO FUCKING EASY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU EITHER

CG: SO WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE I ENDED OUR CONVERSATION SO ABRUPTLY LAST TIME

TG: i think we were talking about how fucking cool i am

CG: YOU MEAN HOW SMOOTH YOU *THINK* YOU ARE

TG: oh cmon i am totally smooth

TG: as smooth as a newborns bottom

TG: nah even smoother than that

TG: im as smooth as the fucking quantum stabilized atom mirror

TG: and that shit is the smoothest thing ever created

TG: after me of course

CG: REMIND ME WHY THE FUCK I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN

CG: BECAUSE I AM NOT SEEING ANYTHING HERE

TG: ouch my feelings

TG: karkat you wound me

TG: we can talk about anything and everything you fucking want my man

CG: OKAY 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL?

TG: whatcha mean bro

CG: WHY DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME

CG: MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE FUCKING RUN AWAY SCREAMING AT THIS POINT

CG: AND DON’T FUCKING SAY THAT IT’S DESTINY OR SOME OTHER MYSTICAL BULLSHIT

CG: I WANT A REAL ANSWER DAVE

TG: okay man i can do that

TG: at first it was because you have a personality that i can legit appreciate

TG: that kinda no holds barred no bullshit kinda demeanor

TG: which i mad respect yo

TG: but then it turns out that youre actually like really good friends with kanaya and shit you already know my sister

TG: i mean we were bound to eventually run into each other at their wedding or some shit

TG: so its like

TG: hey i can fucking befriend this dude too

CG: I HONESTLY WASN’T EXPECTING A LEGITIMATE RESPONSE TO THAT

CG: BUT WOW

CG: THANKS

CG: FUCK IT

CG: YEAH LET’S TRY THIS

CG: SHARE WITH ME YOUR WAYS OF FUCKING FRIENDSHIP MAKING

TG: sweet

TG: tell me all about yourself

TG: what do you like what do you see yourself doing in 5 years

TG: the whole fucking shebang

CG: WELL I LIKE LITERATURE AND WRITING

CG: I ALSO LIKE MOVIES

CG: BOTH OF THOSE STATEMENTS ARE FUCKING VAGUE AS HELL I REALIZE THAT

TG: its a good start

TG: tell me about the genres you like

TG: or if you have any favorite books or movies

TG: i have a friend named john that can talk about shitty movies for literal days

TG: so dont hold back my dude

CG: I’M A FAN OF ROMANCE

CG: BOTH IN BOOKS AND MOVIES

CG: I DON’T HAVE A SPECIFIC FAVORITE MOVIE BUT I REALLY LIKE ROMCOMS

CG: THE ONLY ONE THAT’S COMING TO MIND RIGHT NOW IS YOU’VE GOT MAIL BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING RIDICULOUS SITUATION 

TG: oh fuck yes

TG: hey can you give me a sec i gotta message someone else real quick

CG: OH YEAH TAKE YOUR TIME  


  


\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:23 CDT --

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: i think im in love

TT: I know, Dave.

TG: like oh my fucking god

TG: okay thats all i wanted to say

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:24 CDT --

  


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] at 12:23 PDT --

CG: QUICK PROGRESS UPDATE

CG: SURPRISING EVERYONE HE IS NOT A TOTAL SHIT LORD

CG: GENUINELY FUCKING SURPRISED HERE

GA: I Dont Know Why You Would Be

GA: If You Genuinely Thought That He Would Be Such A Terrible Person Why Did You Try So Hard To Reconnect With Him

CG: OKAY YEAH BUT I DIDN’T THINK THAT HE WOULD ACTUALLY BE

CG: FUCKING FUCK

CG: NICE?

GA: Ah I See Your Confusion Now

GA: Dave Frequently Comes Off As A Bit Aloof At First

CG: YEAH

CG: OKAY WELL THAT’S MY SMALL UPDATE FOR YOU

CG: THAT’S ALL I WANTED TO SAY

CG: I’LL TALK TO YOU MORE LATER

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] at 12:26 PDT --

  


TG: okay im back 

TG: lets do this friendship thing 

TG: were doing this man 

TG: were fucking making this happen 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead  [TG] at 12:27 PDT --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked turntechGodhead  [TG] at 12:27 PDT --

CG: WHOOPS MY HAND SLIPPED 

TG: jesus fuck youre the worst 

CG: I THOUGHT YOU ENJOYED MY PERSONALITY? 

TG: nope 

TG: im pullin the fuck out now 

TG: it was nice knowing you 

TG: bye forever 

CG: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:31 CDT --

CG: OH FUCK YOU DAVE 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just the epilogue after this. thanks to everyone that has read this! also thanks for all the comments and kudos!!
> 
> i am absolutely stunned by the positive response.
> 
> if there are any errors please feel free to point them out.


	10. epilogue

MISSED CONNECTION [EDITED]

okay everyone thanks for playing along i found my ALL-CAPS OMEGLE CUSSING MAN

we are now friends

but please feel free to hmu if this sounds like you or someone you know

i can always do with more aggressively angry friends since im a glutton for pain apparently 

\--  
[ACOCM EDIT]  
IT'S A FUCKING TRAP DON'T BEFRIEND THIS GUY HE'S THE ABSOLUTE WORST 

\--  
[TA EDIT]   
ii2 thii2 2eriiou2ly what you u2ed me for  
dammiit kk

\--  
[EDIT^2]  
would yall fuckin get off my post  
dont make me turn this car around  
all this shit is done and dealt with already  
and we all lived happily ever after  
the fucking end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy moly this thing is 56 pages long in the document where i initially wrote it
> 
> i close my eyes and i see html coding lol
> 
> anyways thanks to everyone for reading, i hope you enjoyed this really quick fic. i really enjoyed writing it and seeing all the responses and feedback. this monstrosity is also unbeta'd so please let me know if there are any errors in spelling that aren't quirk related, i tried to catch everything but even then some evade me （◞‸◟）
> 
> i hope each and every one of you has a lovely day/evening.
> 
> Best ( • ̀ω•́ )✧


End file.
